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I'm thinking of writing a children's book called "Who stole the funk?"It's a story about a young parliamentarian called Furious Rodney McDangerous who can't find the funk. Here's an excerpt: "I could not find it in my trunk, I could not find it on a junk, I could not find it near a monk, I could not find it where a ship had sunk. Oh I wonder wonder wonder wonder Who on earth would steal the funk?"

Sir Gary Coleman for Governor

So it was announced yesterday that the California's farcical Recall Election has gone from comical to just plain stupid, with the announcement that Gary Coleman is formally entering the race.For those of you not au fait with the situation, some bastard Republican Congressman decided it would be prudent to waste $35 million tax payers dollars and start a campaign to oust Governor Gray Davis. In all fairness, Davis has done a pretty substandard job in his recent term. After getting shafted by the energy companies, Davis has given us a sizeable deficit. So Darryl Issa thought it would be a hoot n' a holler to start a recall campaign. At first it didn't look like he was going to get the required number of signatures, but with enough photocopiers and old people writing their name over and over, anything is possible! So a recall was announced. That's when the "fun" started. Everyone and their grandma thought they would make a good candidate for Governor....even a colleague of mine. There was talk of Arnold Schwarzenegger being interested, something which he denied for months until yesterday. Clapped out Greek geriatric Arianna Huffington, a so-called Political commentator, has thrown her hat in. Huslter publisher Larry fucking Flynt even wants a crack at it! But wait wait, it gets better. The guy who initiated the recall in the first place, isn't even running anymore! How lame is that? You rat bastard. But then the coup de gras, the piece de resistance, Gary Coleman, yes "Whatchoo talkin' bout, Willis?" Gary Coleman, announced that, with the support of the shitty newspaper, the East Bay Express, he will be running for the position of Governor of the "great state of California." I thought Arnie was bad enough (will there be no end to all the lame "Arnie terminates Davis" puns?) but this is just getting lame. I can guarantee I know how this started too. Two interns we're sitting around at the East Bay Express and the following was uttered "You know what would be fucking funny...Gary Coleman as governor." And so it was. I'm embarassed to be Californian. Oh yeah, one more thing. There's a good chance that the winner of the election will have been voted into office by less than 10% of the population. Ah yes, good old proportional representation. If you have time on your hands, read Gary Coleman's manifesto, it's classic. Some noteable quotes: "City buses piss off Gary Coleman." "As a card-carrying member of the Screen Actors Guild, Gary Coleman has seen how fucked-up the closed shop can be." "Why is our health care system in such a mess? It's all those rummies gettin' sauced and rackin' up a case of cirrhosis." "Gary wigged out and vowed to "find them and put my size four-and-a-halfs so deep into their colon!" "

Tech Support - Hunter/Ballon style

A colleague sent out this email to our dev team asking for advice:I am currently getting a java.lang.AbstractMethodError when trying to use scrollable ResultSets. Any information you can provide to resolve this would be appreciated. Noel and I, with our frighteningly superior intellects, felt obligated to help, so we replied- Me first: I'm pretty sure if he parses the geveltefish into the linear actuator, the compound herpes limitations will override any interference by the cranial inversion, right? then Noel chimes in: Maybe but you may have to watch the Vibal Translocitor..if that gets over 120 DEGREES, WHOA BOY!!! HA!!! LOL!!! That is humorous stuff there, you thinkin the linear actuator can be parsed!!! but I think he's wrong: Yeah but the Vaibhav Translocitor was phased out in release 2.1.s.a remember?! You can't use it anymore, you have to use Applied Funkadelic's Inbound Transmogrifier (John Denver edition) or else you'll never get past the rectal transgression phase! ...and I was right: Silly ME!!!! It must have been that Old Crow I drank at lunch!! MY bad!!! So our work here is done. Another tech problem solved.

To good NOT to post.

Blatantly ripped from BigSoccer.comReuters "In a blockbuster transfer, Real Madrid sign LA Galaxy midfielder Cobi Jones from MLS for $200 in gift certificates to Golden Corral and four cases of Coors Light. Newly acquired Real midfielder and England skipper, David Beckham commented on the signing "It's going to be great to watch Cobi come out and buzz around like a chicken with his head cut off until Marquez or some other player gets so incensed that they chop him down. We'll be a man up in ever game with Barca by halftime." Cobi has been given the number "4" for his jersey which he said had some special meaning for him as it was his erect penis size. Sales of real merchandise bearing Cobi's name have been moving like mad in LA where 6 jerseys we purchased this morning, Doubling the number sold there last season. When reached for comment, MLS Commissioner Don Garber commented "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"."